


Take Your Life

by sasukewasameme



Series: South Park Stan Marsh Angst [5]
Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Depressed Stan Marsh, Drug Use, Drugs, Hearing Voices, High School, Multiple Voices, POV Third Person, Present Tense, Recreational Drug Use, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, stan marsh-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27653030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukewasameme/pseuds/sasukewasameme
Summary: "You are in pain. Take your life with alcohol." Stan doesn't say anything because the voice is right; he should kill himself with the alcohol over there.Highly inspired by the song, "Cocaine" by Nomy which is about suicide and drugs.
Series: South Park Stan Marsh Angst [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976311
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Take Your Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't recommend this song enough: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=T7DSFDsB2aw

"You are in pain. Take your life with alcohol." Stan doesn't say anything because the voice is right; he should kill himself with the alcohol over there. But how did he get here? In such a bad state of mind? He used to be better in life. He knows, though. He knows what happened. He knows how he got here. 

It all started when the voices in his head began to speak.

He doesn't know why it happened but he wishes it wasn't him who had to deal with this. And he has no one to blame. His mother's line has no ancestors who dealt with hearing things that weren't there and neither does his dad's line. So why did it have to be him who got the bad genes?

Stan reaches for the alcohol and, impulsively, he drinks as much as he can until he throws up everywhere. He hopes he dies from alcohol poisoning but if he doesn't, it'll just be like any other day; a day of unwanted survival. 

Eventually, Stan passes out after throwing up all over himself. 

When Stan wakes up later, he's in the same spot where he passed out. But this time, his mom is sitting on his bed. "Do you know how close I was to taking you to the hospital?" She asks. "Sorry," Stan apologizes. "Are you really? Because this is the third time."

Stan refrains from being snarky and lets his mom be upset. Making her even more upset will only screw him over even more. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He apologizes again, this time with a promise. A promise he isn't planning on keeping. She sighs. 

"I don't know what to do with you, Stanley. You aren't functioning in life. How do I help you when you won't let me in?" "You don't," he replies because he won't let her help him so her only choice in life is to leave him alone and watch him destroy himself all the way till death.

Sharon makes a face. One that seems appalled. She can't believe he's willing to so selfishly sacrifice himself. Doesn't he care how she feels? What would she do if Stanley killed himself? Would she be next? Maybe. Likely, even. So why doesn't he care?

Stan can see the upset written on his mother's face and regrets denying her help. It's true that he won't let her help but he could at least pretend to be letting her help so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. Maybe if he pretends to get better, they'll both find happiness.

He because he'd be dead someday and her because she'd think she's helping him, at least until he dies. But maybe that's cruel. Maybe letting her think he's better would only add more shock to his future suicide. Stan decides he'll have to think this through later; whether he'll pretend she's helping or not. 

It happens to be one hour before school and so Stan convinces his mom he'll be okay before getting up and getting ready. She doesn't seem to believe him but what else can she do? She can't force him to stay home. What could she do? She can't tie him up and no amount of yelling at Stan would get him to stay.

So she begrudgingly lets it go.

When Stan showers, the voices comment on his body. "You're so damn ugly. Look at that scar on your side." Stan tells the voice to shut up but another one speaks up. "You're skinny but do you really think that's a good thing? You have no muscles, you pathetic weakling."

Stan listens to the voices speak at him rather than to him and quickly finishes the shower the second he rinses his hair and body off. He has scars on his wrists that he doesn't acknowledge. He sees them every day and every day, he hates his scarred arms. He wishes his arms were normal.

And the worst part? He did this to himself. So, again, he's back to square one. He's back to the "I have no excuse because there's no one to blame but myself" club. When will he learn to stop the whole blaming thing? It's not cool. 

But, he argued, what else will he do? Take the blame for everything and carry all of the weight on his own shoulders? No. He's not a sadist but he doesn't want to be alone and he refuses to suffer alone. He decides to place the blame on other peoples' shoulders so he doesn't have to carry the blame on his own.

Don't get him wrong, though. He only places blame on those who deserve it. Like his dad and grandpa. Only when he got older did he realize how fucked up his grandpa was. Just like his dad. They're both selfish pieces of shit that deserve to carry the weight of blame. 

"You deserve the most blame," says one voice, and Stan can't argue with it. The one thing Stan hates the most about the voices is that they speak the truth. He doesn't want to hear the truth. Especially from voices that come from his own stupid mind. He hates himself. More than anyone else ever would. Yes, he hates himself.

Stan walks to the bus stop and waits. He and Kenny are the first ones there. Kenny smokes a cigarette and Stan just tries to hold himself together, still sick and hungover. "Hangover?" Kenny eventually asks. Stan nods. They stand in silence for a couple more minutes until Kyle comes.

After Kyle comes Eric and finally, the whole gang is there. The bus comes several minutes later and they all sit down near each other. "You're so stupid," says one of the voices. "Yeah," agrees another, "and you always wear black. Could your self sorrow be any more obvious?"

No, supposes Stan. It can't. 

When they get to school, Stan sits in the cafeteria at his usual spot as does the other three teens. Eric starts gossipping about how Wendy looks pregnant and Stan tunes him out. He and Wendy broke up a long time ago but they're still good friends. He doesn't want to hear what bad things Cartman wants to say about her.

It's not hard for him to find himself spacing out in the mornings. It's not hard to space out when you're tired. When the afternoon comes, everyone's finally awake and ready to slaughter. There's drama just like every day. Probably because they're bored. 

Another one of the only things Stan's is grateful for when it comes to the voices is that he never gets bored. They're always there to entertain him, whether he wants it or not. When it's free time, they play football. Stan misses a catch and hears Kyle surprisingly call him a "bitch."

"You're not going to let him talk to you like that, are you?" Asks a female voice. The voice sounds right next to his ear and he turns right to make sure there isn't some female standing there, speaking to him before letting himself get riled up because the voice is right; he can't let Kyle talk to him like that.

"Shut up," Stan tells Kyle. And Kyle turns around, face covered in both annoyance and confusion. "What do you mean? I didn't say anything." Now it's Stan's turn to be confused as he questions his own state of mind. Maybe he really is going crazy. "Dude, are you okay?" Asks Kyle.

Stan looks to the ground and is too puzzled to lie to Kyle so he says nothing. What's he going to do, now that the voices are mimicking the people around him? Everyone will think he's insane! Shit. Things seem to only be getting worse.

When the school day is over, Stan goes home and sleeps all of his stress away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in case you haven't heard it yet: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=T7DSFDsB2aw


End file.
